Dealing with a distancer

05.04.2018 1 Comments

Look for differences and similarities. Jason was coming across as needy. As we attempt to break whatever our pattern may be, we should try to maintain compassion for ourselves and our partner. We emailed for a week or so before we started talking on the phone.

Dealing with a distancer


The distancer may act rejecting, cold, or uninterested, making the pursuer more desperate. Most of us have been on one side or the other of this dynamic and many of us have experienced both. We tend to see this most strongly in intimate partner relationships, but it can occur in any relationship. Instead of being open with Jason about my need for more time and space, I started to withdraw in more subtle ways. Surely, never addressing your conflict and permanently feeling anxious is not the solution. Create greater safety and trust. At best, it is immature and selfish. Jason and I met via an online dating service. Each person needs to have the emotional bandwidth. The goal is not to figure out how to manage every topic or discussion, but to create a different process — or dance- that will allow each of you the opportunity to change how you communicate with one another. This means honoring how each person feels even if you disagree. Jason was coming across as needy. They requested information from one another about what they could do to support their partners in their efforts to resist their urges to either pursue or withdraw. Men, on the other hand, tend to be the Distancer — they want to flee the argument and run to their man cave. In one of the most common communication patterns: You should make sure he really cares about you. And anyone who has been in a long distance relationship can tell you what some of those challenges are: The question is not how to get rid of the conflict in our relationships, but how do we engage in conflict in a healthy way that leads to increased intimacy and admiration between partners? And you can imagine, this type of communication style is a major contributor to a marital and relationship breakdown. In a relationship, we may have the tendency to emotionally distance ourselves from our partner. I am simply describing this common dynamic so that you can figure out whether pursuit-retreat is a problem in your relationship What should you do if pursuit-retreat is a problem in your distant relationship? Tweet How we communicate with others begins with our family of origin — our first family. However, if Jason had backed off and called me less during this stage, then I may have called him more. Sometimes the dance moves slowly and effortlessly; other times it leaves couples stuck. Then, have an open discussion with your partner about your hopes for how you two will connect how regularly, how long, etc across the distance. Is he cheating on me?

Dealing with a distancer


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